WHAT IS SEPARATION ANXIETY?
WHETHER YOU'RE DROPPING YOUR CHILD OFF AT DAYCARE OR LEAVING HER HOME WITH GRANDMA, FAREWELLS CAN BE TOUGH. BY NOW YOUR TODDLER UNDERSTANDS OBJECT PERMANENCE—THE IDEA THAT SOMETHING CONTINUES TO EXIST WHEN IT CAN'T BE SEEN OR HEARD (EVEN MOM AND DAD). BUT TODDLERS CAN’T YET COMPREHEND THE CONCEPT OF TIME. LEAVING THEM IN A BEDROOM FOR A FEW MINUTES OR WITH A BABYSITTER FOR A FEW HOURS FEELS LIKE THE SAME AMOUNT OF TIME FOR THEM. THIS CAN BE SCARY, SINCE TODDLERS BELIEVE THEIR SURVIVAL IS DEPENDENT ON HAVING A PRIMARY CAREGIVER CLOSE BY. ALSO, "SOMEWHAT IRONICALLY, ANXIETY CAN BE A SIGN OF THE CHILD'S INCREASING AUTONOMY," SAYS MIRANDA GOODMANWILSON, ASSISTANT PROFESSOR OF PSYCHOLOGY AT ECKERD COLLEGE IN ST. PETERSBURG, FLORIDA. "THEY HAVE THEIR OWN OPINION ON THE SITUATION—THAT PARENTS SHOULDN'T LEAVE—AND WANT TO EXERT CONTROL."
WHAT TRIGGERS SEPARATION ANXIETY IN TODDLERS AT SCHOOL?
SAYING GOODBYE: TODDLERS FEEL CONFLICTED ABOUT BEING AWAY FROM THE SECURITY OF THEIR PARENTS. TODDLERS NEED REASSURANCE THAT WHEN YOU LEAVE, YOU'LL ALWAYS COME BACK. SEPARATION ANXIETY IS "TYPICALLY MOST PREVALENT BETWEEN 8 AND 18 MONTHS,” SAYS ERIN BOYD-SOISSON, PH.D., ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR OF HUMAN DEVELOPMENT AT MESSIAH COLLEGE IN GRANTHAM, PENNSYLVANIA. HOWEVER, IF A CHILD CHANGES CENTERS OR HAS NEVER BEEN IN A CENTER DURING THIS AGE SPAN, ANXIETY CAN BE SEEN IN ALL AGES 2-5 YEARS OF AGE. SYMPTOMS USUALLY START WHEN A PARENT IS DEPARTING. CHILDREN MAY CLING TO THEIR PARENT, THROW A TANTRUM, OR RESIST OTHER CAREGIVERS IN AN ATTEMPT TO CONVINCE THE PARENT NOT TO LEAVE. THE OUTBURSTS USUALLY SUBSIDE ONCE THE PARENT IS OUT OF VIEW. "THIS ANXIETY SERVES TO KEEP THE CHILD CLOSE TO THE CAREGIVER, WHO IS THEIR SOURCE OF LOVE AND SAFETY WHILE THE PARENT IS AWAY," DR. BOYD-SOISSON SAYS.
DO TODDLERS OUTGROW SEPARATION ANXIETY? SEPARATION ANXIETY DECREASES AS A CHILD AGES, BUT SIMILAR FEELINGS MAY RETURN FOR SHORT PERIODS OF TIME FOR OTHER REASONS. "WHEN OLDER TODDLERS OR PRESCHOOLERS ARE SICK OR STRESSED, SEPARATION ANXIETY CAN BE TRIGGERED AGAIN," DR. BOYD-SOISSON SAYS. "FOR EXAMPLE, MOST 2-YEAR-OLDS WHO HAVE BEEN IN DAYCARE FOR A WHILE ARE OFTEN FINE WHEN THEIR PARENTS LEAVE. HOWEVER, WHEN THEY ARE STARTING TO GET SICK, OR IF THEY ARE EXPERIENCING A NEW CAREGIVER, IT IS NOT UNCOMMON FOR THEM TO CLING TO THEIR PARENTS AT DROP-OFF." REST ASSURED THIS BEHAVIOR IS A NORMAL PART OF DEVELOPMENT AND WILL DISAPPEAR OVER TIME. EVERY CHILD IS UNIQUE AND THERE IS NO SET TIME FRAME FOR WHEN SEPARATION ANXIETY APPEARS OR DISAPPEARS. IT MAY EVEN TAKE A FEW MONTHS FOR A CHILD'S ANXIETY TO DISSIPATE, SO BE PREPARED FOR REGRESSION, ESPECIALLY WHEN ROUTINES CHANGE BECAUSE OF VACATION, ILLNESS, OR A MOVE.
WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP MY CHILD TRANSITION?
AS A PARENT, I KNOW ALL TOO WELL THAT IT IS DIFFICULT TO HEAR A CHILD CRY. WHEN YOU OR YOUR CHILD FEELS ANXIOUS, TRY NAMING AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FEELING RATHER THAN QUESTIONING WHY IT IS THERE.
“DO NOT WORRY LITTLE ONE, MOMMY IS GOING TO WORK. I WILL BE BACK BEFORE YOU KNOW IT. YOU CAN HANDLE THIS, BREATHE WITH ME (PARENT AND CHILD BREATH TOGETHER).
ONCE THE CHILD CALMS…
"YOU DID IT! YOU TOOK CALMING BREATHS, NOW YOU CAN GO PLAY WITH YOUR FRIENDS. I LOVE YOU. I’LL SEE YOU IN A LITTLE WHILE.” (WHILE HUGGING THEM AND THEN GENTLY GUIDING HIM TO HIS CAREGIVER.)
WHENEVER WE COLLECT A CHILD FROM YOU AT SBP THAT IS EXPERIENCING SEPERATION ANXIETY, WE USE THIS SAME LANGUAGE AND REASSURE THEM THAT YOU WILL BE BACK.
DO NOT WORRY…FOR THIS TOO SHALL PASS…BREATHE WITH ME.
I WISH YOU WELL,
REGINA HARVEY, M. ED
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